A Woman's Worth

This post comes from a very deep place within me that I'd like to share with my sisters out there.  I think the topic of worth has been a theme for my semester and I think it also applies strongly to men too, but in a different way.  But since I am a woman I'm only going into the woman's side of things.

This past semester  I've seen the need of a woman discovering her worth and placing her being within her Creator's tender arms only and not in man's.  I've seen this great need around me of women who have so much love to give, but are not finding the proper outlet and thus experience loneliness.  Or maybe we have been hurt and our trust is harder to win over and we experience bitterness.  Sometimes it has nothing to do with being hurt and everything to do with our human failings like being prideful or selfish and not trusting God.  Being a woman is hard, I think, because we don't understand our nature and God's plan for our lives.  But we know that deep within our being there is this desire to care for others by nourishing old friends and developing new friendships.  We are carriers of light and life designed to spread warmth, joy, and love.  We are literally created to nourish a life within our wombs and we also have a unique way of developing souls.  A mother has this ability to perceive and understand her child like no other.  Even though being a lady and nourishing others are very broad, general concepts, I believe that a woman has a unique capability in drawing out another's soul, of probing and uncovering deeper layers because our nature seeks to understand.

Whether society likes it or not, men and women think differently, but we are made to work together beautifully.  I think I learned that being a woman requires being submissive sometimes or being a listener while seeking to understand and delving deeper into another's journey.  All of us experience brokenness because we are not perfect! But here's the thing - we will never be perfectly emotionally satisfied in this life.  Only God can and should fulfill our heart's desire because as St. Augustine says we are restless until we rest in thee.

But how do we place our trust in God alone? How do we place our core being into his bloody, scourged arms? That, my friends, is called the journey of life.  It is a good and honorable challenge to daily deny ourselves and continue to seek and strive toward a greater unity with God because that is where we will feel the most secure.  We will fall, but hopefully, with God''s grace, we will also rise.  But sometimes outside forces distort and disrupt our ability to grow closer to God.  Sometimes we are called to bear these crosses silently and sometimes we are required to seek healing by exposing our wounds to others.  God will bless our efforts, even when we feel like they amount to nothing.  He alone has the power to grant healing and mercy. The closer we lean God, the more we are our true selves and can give ourselves to others.

It is so important that if you or someone you love is going through doubt and brokenness that you can lead them toward the light.  It is also important to share your brokenness with those you trust because He can work through those wiser than us to help grant healing.  The beautiful sacrament of confession offers so much healing when you need release from sins that are weighing you down.

I'm praying for all my girls out there who doubt their worth!  You are a daughter of the King.

Silence

Recently, the topic of silence has really been placed in my heart.  For some reason that I just can't grasp,   I have felt this pull towards silence.  To just be in silence.  Even as I'm writing this, I have background music because that's how foreign this concept of silence is!

But seriously (here's where I turn off the music), a true indicator of spiritual health is the ability to be comfortable with silence.  And there are a number of reasons why silence can be uncomfortable.  In a social setting, an uncomfortable silence indicates that you do not click with the setting.  But sometimes pushing through a seemingly initial awkward encounter and discovering the deeper layers of the journey lends great perspective to our lives.  Also, if you play it off, silence does not have to be awkward at all - you just have to learn how to control your tone and responses to be an open listener.  Silence, when learning about something or someone, is a useful skill to adapt to because it shows that you are truly grasping for understanding.  How often in the confusion of our lives do we forget the grace of appreciating a moment of solitude and tranquility as a reflection of God at work in our lives? Or that sometimes silence is required to think independently and appreciate something or someone?

And so I will leave you with some wise words from Audrey Assad:
"You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos/ from the chains of a lesser law you set me me free / in the silence of the heart you speak / and it is there that I will know you and you will know me"

Silence and mediation in front of the Eucharist is, perhaps, the moment when God enters our spirit and liberates us from sin.  He heals our wounds and connects our passion with our reason, our head and heart, so that we can listen to Him and discern His Will.

Busy but good

I've been back at Belmont Abbey for over a month now.  Round 2 is going well, but is also very different from last year.

First of all, playing soccer has got to be the biggest change from last year.  It's monumental that I can practice and play and feel part of the team and I'm so grateful for that.  But there are also challenges that come with playing, mainly time management and playing time.  I've been working hard though and trying to stay optimistic and I have learned a lot, especially since we are playing three in the back instead of the usual four.  I've also had a rocky time with switching between First team and reserve team, but I think that I'm settling in my role on the reserve team better.  Being on reserve team isn't ideal, but I am having fun and I love coach Jeff because he is just so charismatic and positive.  And I'm really bonding with my team in a different way than last year when I couldn't play.

Being a biology major is also a major difference than last year when I was an education major.  Whew, let me tell you that it is A LOT more work, but also so rewarding and exciting.  I really love my biology classes.  The balance biology classes and honors classes is challenging and interesting since bio is memorizing intensive while the honors is reading, understanding, and writing intensive.

Relationships with friends are also different, but I think even better than last year.  I don't have as much free time as last year though, but it's not so bad.  This year I get to build on a foundation from last year, which is so cool.

I also figured out this year how important it is to take a break from people and my busy schedule to journal and reflect on my life so that's why I don't always update this blog.  I think that journaling is super important for my psychological and spiritual well being.  Writing has become pretty important to me, mainly because I love talking haha.

This is why I love love love Audrey Assad

You know when you play Audrey Assad's new album "Fortunate Fall" and start tearing up that its good.  Not only good as in musically, but good as in there is something about Audrey that touches my soul.  She describes my deepest longings that I haven't even realized yet or put to words.  "Fortunate Fall" showcases a very different sound from Audrey's normal more upbeat tunes.  There is something mysterious, hopeful, and woeful about this album that completely touches another part of me.

"Fortunate Fall" describes the how lucky we are that through original sin Jesus came and redeemed man.  It almost sounds strange to say that the fall was good, but because of original sin God became man.  As the album title, Fortunate Fall expresses the theme of the album, which is redemption and deliverance.  But the album also reminds me of how God is with us through every step of our lives, challenging and directing us towards our ultimate end.

"Good to Me" makes me cry.  This song reminds me of her former songs like "Lament" or "Carry Me" but touches a different aspect of suffering.  It touches that optimistic side of when we are going through hell and all we can do is look up to God and say, "Yes, Lord you are still good to me."  "The foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy" - I can't even say how pertinent this line is.

"I Shall Not Want" strikes the misunderstandings of this world and our desire to be completed.  To be delivered.

So go listen to Audrey Assad! She excels musically in making sacred music/chant attractive to the ears.  "Fortunate Fall" is definitely an album that could be reflected on and embraced in Adoration.

The summer before sophomore year....

This summer has been incredible. Wowza.

AHH
GAHHHH

Today. This week. This summer. This year.  My life. All of it has been a horrible, perfect mess. Yes, my life is so perfect right now. I have like zero responsibilities at the moment. It's beautiful! All I do is plan my social life, make money, have fun, play with kids, eat like no body's business, and just embrace life.

Yes, summer has most definitely been about embracing my bliss.

But I'm super excited to share that I have a new bliss/passion in my life and that new bliss comes from volunteer interning at a Physical Therapy clinic a few minutes from home.
On my first day, I just stood and observed while the PTA's, PT's and OT's did their thing.  Then, I got more comfortable with the staff and patients and then I was everywhere, learning and watching and LOVING every moment of it.  It was just such a positive environment to be a part of - to be intimately linked to someone's healing.  I mean, how much more Christ-like is that?
One of my favorite memories of this PT clinic has got to be when an elderly lady tells me about her passions in life like her family and their dreams, then looks me in the eyes and tells me that she knows I'll do great things.  How awesome would it be to interact with patients like that everyday?
The reason why I fell in love with PT is that it incorporates everything I am.  Seriously though - it has the emotional and social connection that I need.  It gives me the intellectual challenges and fine tunes problem solving skills.  Physical therapy is both psychological and spiritual in that you are treating a patient whose body might be injured, but you are also dealing with the patient's suffering.  But it also incorporates my athleticism with hands on activities, stretches, understanding and working with the body.   Its in touch with my feminine roles of nurturing and taking care of others.  It works with my personality in that I love to take charge, direct, and teach others.  And I also value positive energy.
All I know is that God has clearly led me into this direction for a reason, even if I don't know His plans this moment.  I have no idea what the finished product will look like.  All I know is that this new passion happened for a reason and I am just going to embrace it and grow with it.

The Cycle

It starts with a foreign, untraceable emotion: discomfort, displeasure, unfulfillment.
Next come the subconscious questions: Change? Who am I? What should I do?

The cycle consisting of discomfort, distraction, and confusion.

It's that ambiguous it.  That shifting in your seat to an uncomfortable situation, except it's bigger; it's life. It is annoying not being able to grasp and define where these emotions are coming from.  I thought I had it all and I do have so many blessings, but perhaps I was not being fulfilled.  I was missing my direction.  Hanging in the oblivion, knowing that I was uncomfortable with facing the reality of where my life was leading.

I didn't pray as much as I should have.  I tried to reason through it. Then, when my mind started getting closer to the source I pulled back, afraid of what I might find.  This summer I've tried to keep myself as distracted and busy as possible before I realized what I was doing.  I can't keep running away from this hidden feeling laced with so much meaning.

That's when I started researching and discovering some possibilities.  I didn't even realize what I was doing when I looked up other majors or career possibilities, but I was pretty desperate to find IT. To search for my truth.

Being open to truth and love means never stopping to learn about yourself and the world; putting pride aside and not ignoring hidden dreams.  I also can't regret any time that I consider lost.  That time was never lost.  Every choice was made as a stepping stone for the person I am now and that time was never a mistake.  Life hasn't gone the way I expected, but the challenge is beautiful.  The unknowable is where, perhaps, we lean the closest to God and grasp for the knowledge and understanding that comes from Him.  If we're lucky, that understanding comes as a burst of light, blinding all else.  But more often than not, it's a slow shift leading you away from yourself until you can no longer hide from the huge mountain of mystery.  It's not always the most comfortable feeling to be pushed out of your comfort zone, the box that you spent your whole life building.  But the walls are coming down and that's how we grow.

God's so good like that, you know? He doesn't baby you through the hard times and tell you every step in advance to warn you of upcoming trials.  But He does let you figure out more and more of how powerful and mysterious and beautiful and well-planned out He is and why He brought you into this world.  His love never fails, even when mine does.  

Philosophy is everywhere I look!

OK I just have to share my nerd moment for the day!

I'm currently reading "Fatherless" by Brian Gail that was loaned to me by the lovely Allison.  Around page three hundred, the author starts referencing philosophers, particularly modern philosopher's role on shaping thoughts (a process of hundreds of years) and how their thoughts influence scientists and scientific findings.  One character (it goes through the journey of 4 main characters so it's a big book) was researching the linkage between breast cancer and the Pill, exploring how science might cover up some facts.   SO FREAKIN COOL because philosophy is basically what I spent my freshman year learning about.

I always have high expectations for summer reading, but I'm really trying to read some deeper books than I normally would.  We'll see how it goes! I just got a library book with a variety of European philosopher's writings/thoughts.

And that is how I'm spending my summer days!  Trying to read/learn, stay spiritually active, be there for my family and friends, make some money and work out (ugh).  Running has not been fun recently and I sometimes (ok all the time) make excuses for myself by saying that over working myself is how I broke my foot last year, but I also just need to rediscover my passion for soccer.  It shouldn't be this hard, but I'm having a dry spell.  I can't force it, but I also can't make up excuses forever.  I feel like learning how to take care of my body is connected to taking care of my soul and if my soul is going through a dry spell with one of my absolute favorite passions, then I need to listen to my soul and nurture it.  Hmm going back to the basics of the game and reconnecting with coaches and teammates is a good way to start.