It starts with a foreign, untraceable emotion: discomfort, displeasure, unfulfillment.
Next come the subconscious questions: Change? Who am I? What should I do?
The cycle consisting of discomfort, distraction, and confusion.
It's that ambiguous it. That shifting in your seat to an uncomfortable situation, except it's bigger; it's life. It is annoying not being able to grasp and define where these emotions are coming from. I thought I had it all and I do have so many blessings, but perhaps I was not being fulfilled. I was missing my direction. Hanging in the oblivion, knowing that I was uncomfortable with facing the reality of where my life was leading.
I didn't pray as much as I should have. I tried to reason through it. Then, when my mind started getting closer to the source I pulled back, afraid of what I might find. This summer I've tried to keep myself as distracted and busy as possible before I realized what I was doing. I can't keep running away from this hidden feeling laced with so much meaning.
That's when I started researching and discovering some possibilities. I didn't even realize what I was doing when I looked up other majors or career possibilities, but I was pretty desperate to find IT. To search for my truth.
Being open to truth and love means never stopping to learn about yourself and the world; putting pride aside and not ignoring hidden dreams. I also can't regret any time that I consider lost. That time was never lost. Every choice was made as a stepping stone for the person I am now and that time was never a mistake. Life hasn't gone the way I expected, but the challenge is beautiful. The unknowable is where, perhaps, we lean the closest to God and grasp for the knowledge and understanding that comes from Him. If we're lucky, that understanding comes as a burst of light, blinding all else. But more often than not, it's a slow shift leading you away from yourself until you can no longer hide from the huge mountain of mystery. It's not always the most comfortable feeling to be pushed out of your comfort zone, the box that you spent your whole life building. But the walls are coming down and that's how we grow.
God's so good like that, you know? He doesn't baby you through the hard times and tell you every step in advance to warn you of upcoming trials. But He does let you figure out more and more of how powerful and mysterious and beautiful and well-planned out He is and why He brought you into this world. His love never fails, even when mine does.
