Suffering and Healing

This week started with a household talk about healing.  I almost didn't go to the meeting.  I had just been at a soccer team leadership meeting and all I could think about was the homework I needed to complete.  But I felt a nudge so I went and I am always happier when I listen to my intuition.  A senior talked about the 3 different levels of healing that occur on the physical, psychological, and spiritual level.  I am not proficient in all of the levels, but for the most part physical wounds are the tangible wounds that we see and can pray for, such as "Pray for Bob's broken foot."  The psychological wounds cut deeper and have to do with emotions, obsessions, or lies that we believe about ourselves.  Spiritual wounds are the deepest wounds and require spiritual direction, confession, and invoking the name of Jesus to break the bonds.  During the discussion that followed, one of the freshman made a comment that stuck with me.  She said that sometimes we hold onto our scars or suffering because we have formed our identity in them.  But we are called to form our identity in Christ, not in our crosses.  I came home that night and experienced healing through a deep conversation with one of my dearest friends.  God is just so good.

I believe that the most intimate encounter I can have with another person is to understand how Christ is working through their lives through personal suffering.  Whenever I have been vulnerable and told a friend about a personal matter, whether that suffering is from eons ago or from a recent experience, I have always felt like I was sharing the deepest part of me.  This is partly true because sharing our personal journey requires vulnerability and maturity.  Intimacy is misguided, though, if my identity resides more in suffering rather than listening to Christ.  He calls me to heal from suffering in order to glorify Him and even help others heal from wounds as well.

At bible study the next day, the bible verse we focused on was John 1:1-18 about the light overcoming the darkness.  The topic of suffering came up again and the discussion focused predominately on how God always brings good out of something.  How sometimes we feel as though we are in the dark and that changing our perspective of suffering to have purpose can help us.  How God can use our journey to help someone else going through a similar experience and draw people together.

Then, at mass tonight, the topic of suffering came up again in the homily.  A Eucharistic adorer and personal friend of the abbot, Marty, is in his final hours after battling ALS for many years.   Marty wrote a book called "Joy and Suffering: My Life with ALS" that I hope to read one day.  As the abbot explained the biological process of ALS, when all the muscles of the body shut down, I revisited my good friend Parkinson's disease and the neurological implications that PD leaves the patient with.  PD is such a personal battle for me because my Dad was diagnosed with onset PD almost 10 years ago.  This past summer my dad received a Deep Brain Stimulation surgery that has greatly increased his daily functionality.  But the progression of the disease will continue, even though his symptoms have become much more manageable.  The homily reminded me of how a disease weighs on a family and also draws them closer together.

I don't know if I consciously choose to define my personal journey as my family's suffering with PD, but I know that subconsciously it affects my friendships.  The important lesson to remember, however, is not to be so attached to personal suffering, but to continue to work on breaking that bond and focusing on Christ's eyes.  It isn't about the amount of suffering someone has experienced, but on growing closer to Christ.  

Speaking of Christ's eyes, today I found out that Bl. Titus Brandsma is my patron saint of the year on the same day as the memorial of the liberation of Auschwitz 70 years ago.  Bl. Titus was a priest, studied philosophy, and was tortured as a medical experiment and killed at Dachau concentration camp.  He wrote an awesome prayer contemplating Our Lord's eyes.

Before an Image of Jesus Crucified

Dear Lord, when looking up at Thee, I see Thy loving eyes on me; Love overflows my humble heart, Knowing what a faithful friend Thou are.

A cup of sorrow I foresee, Which I accept for love of Thee, Thy painful way I wish to go;The only way to God I know.

My soul is full of peace and light;Although in pain, this light shines bright. For here Thou keepest to Thy breast.

My longing heart to find there rest. Leave me here freely all alone, In cell where never sunlight shone. Should no one ever speak to me,

This golden silence makes me free! For though alone, I have no fear; Never wert Thou, O Lord, so near. Sweet Jesus, please, abide with me!

My deepest peace I find in Thee

The Beauty of Priests

If there is anything I've learned in the past year, is that God works in mysterious and, often, comical ways.  Only He could orchestrate for ordinary, very human and full-of-fault men to participate intimately in sharing the Body of Christ.  They spend their days conversing with God and sharing Him with those entrusted to their care.

These priests have been such a good influence in my spiritual journey.  Not only are they busy with ministering to the sick and dying, but they still care for others and are attentive to the needs of others.  The highlight of my Christmas break was encountering Christ through friendships with priests who know me and my family so well.  I love the monks on campus and  they often have very pertinent teachings.  I especially connect with the monks or priests on campus who intentionally minister to the students and participate in academic or sport functions.  Br. Edward is a good friend to me because he has taken me under his wing and enabled me to open up about my struggles to him.  There is also something beautiful about rekindling old friendships with priests who have stuck with me through my formation and transition from highschool to college.  I think Fr. Vander-Woude just looked at me and laughed because he knows me.  he told me that he has been asking about me from friends.  How silly of me to think that he would forget.  He still exudes care and holiness and I think he sees my mom in me.  Oh goodness! "Your mom, she's something else."  

Fr. Larry has such a grace of remembering as well.  He always knows just what I need to hear and confession with him is SO GOOD.  And just the mutual friendships his spirituality has lead me to discover is something that only God could orchestrate, like my summer physical therapy internship.  Such a blessing and privilege to go to confession with this good man.  And he also understands the broader picture of me because he knows my family and our values.  

Fr. Paul just knows my family so well and he has walked through the journey, even from a distance, of our struggles and joys.  He has chosen to participate in the journey with us because of his loving personality.  What a blessing it is to know these priests! And his friendship is such that he still opens up about his personal relationship with Christ.

A popular event on campus is Theology on Tap where priests have a relaxed discussion with students and answer questions.  Oh and alcohol is also involved for those 21 and up so it's a pretty sweet deal. The most recent priest talked about the difference between confession, spiritual direction and spiritual counseling.  Confession is when we confess sins and receive the grace of forgiveness.  Spiritual direction is accountability and receiving recommendations for self-improvement in the spiritual life.  These include telling the spiritual director of one's struggles with sins while also forming a game plan of how to avoid sinning in the future.  On the other hand, spiritual counseling is much more psychologically based and goes through the struggle of removing a sin by expressing the origin of where the struggle resulted from in child hood.  It was very enlightening to distinguish between these various spiritual aides.

God speaks to us by consoling our hearts through the twists and turns of life.  Sometimes I am fearful of the change that God is directing towards my heart and would prefer to assert my own independence.  But He calls and soothes me back down toward him.  Then, there are times when His hand is very obvious: through conversing with others, spiritual reading, and things He brings up in our hearts.  We just have to have the perspective to see His work underlying EVERYTHING and to grow in awe of Him.  Like Fr. Kirby said, God's ways are strange to those who are strangers to God.