Silence

Recently, the topic of silence has really been placed in my heart.  For some reason that I just can't grasp,   I have felt this pull towards silence.  To just be in silence.  Even as I'm writing this, I have background music because that's how foreign this concept of silence is!

But seriously (here's where I turn off the music), a true indicator of spiritual health is the ability to be comfortable with silence.  And there are a number of reasons why silence can be uncomfortable.  In a social setting, an uncomfortable silence indicates that you do not click with the setting.  But sometimes pushing through a seemingly initial awkward encounter and discovering the deeper layers of the journey lends great perspective to our lives.  Also, if you play it off, silence does not have to be awkward at all - you just have to learn how to control your tone and responses to be an open listener.  Silence, when learning about something or someone, is a useful skill to adapt to because it shows that you are truly grasping for understanding.  How often in the confusion of our lives do we forget the grace of appreciating a moment of solitude and tranquility as a reflection of God at work in our lives? Or that sometimes silence is required to think independently and appreciate something or someone?

And so I will leave you with some wise words from Audrey Assad:
"You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos/ from the chains of a lesser law you set me me free / in the silence of the heart you speak / and it is there that I will know you and you will know me"

Silence and mediation in front of the Eucharist is, perhaps, the moment when God enters our spirit and liberates us from sin.  He heals our wounds and connects our passion with our reason, our head and heart, so that we can listen to Him and discern His Will.

Busy but good

I've been back at Belmont Abbey for over a month now.  Round 2 is going well, but is also very different from last year.

First of all, playing soccer has got to be the biggest change from last year.  It's monumental that I can practice and play and feel part of the team and I'm so grateful for that.  But there are also challenges that come with playing, mainly time management and playing time.  I've been working hard though and trying to stay optimistic and I have learned a lot, especially since we are playing three in the back instead of the usual four.  I've also had a rocky time with switching between First team and reserve team, but I think that I'm settling in my role on the reserve team better.  Being on reserve team isn't ideal, but I am having fun and I love coach Jeff because he is just so charismatic and positive.  And I'm really bonding with my team in a different way than last year when I couldn't play.

Being a biology major is also a major difference than last year when I was an education major.  Whew, let me tell you that it is A LOT more work, but also so rewarding and exciting.  I really love my biology classes.  The balance biology classes and honors classes is challenging and interesting since bio is memorizing intensive while the honors is reading, understanding, and writing intensive.

Relationships with friends are also different, but I think even better than last year.  I don't have as much free time as last year though, but it's not so bad.  This year I get to build on a foundation from last year, which is so cool.

I also figured out this year how important it is to take a break from people and my busy schedule to journal and reflect on my life so that's why I don't always update this blog.  I think that journaling is super important for my psychological and spiritual well being.  Writing has become pretty important to me, mainly because I love talking haha.

This is why I love love love Audrey Assad

You know when you play Audrey Assad's new album "Fortunate Fall" and start tearing up that its good.  Not only good as in musically, but good as in there is something about Audrey that touches my soul.  She describes my deepest longings that I haven't even realized yet or put to words.  "Fortunate Fall" showcases a very different sound from Audrey's normal more upbeat tunes.  There is something mysterious, hopeful, and woeful about this album that completely touches another part of me.

"Fortunate Fall" describes the how lucky we are that through original sin Jesus came and redeemed man.  It almost sounds strange to say that the fall was good, but because of original sin God became man.  As the album title, Fortunate Fall expresses the theme of the album, which is redemption and deliverance.  But the album also reminds me of how God is with us through every step of our lives, challenging and directing us towards our ultimate end.

"Good to Me" makes me cry.  This song reminds me of her former songs like "Lament" or "Carry Me" but touches a different aspect of suffering.  It touches that optimistic side of when we are going through hell and all we can do is look up to God and say, "Yes, Lord you are still good to me."  "The foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy" - I can't even say how pertinent this line is.

"I Shall Not Want" strikes the misunderstandings of this world and our desire to be completed.  To be delivered.

So go listen to Audrey Assad! She excels musically in making sacred music/chant attractive to the ears.  "Fortunate Fall" is definitely an album that could be reflected on and embraced in Adoration.

The summer before sophomore year....

This summer has been incredible. Wowza.

AHH
GAHHHH

Today. This week. This summer. This year.  My life. All of it has been a horrible, perfect mess. Yes, my life is so perfect right now. I have like zero responsibilities at the moment. It's beautiful! All I do is plan my social life, make money, have fun, play with kids, eat like no body's business, and just embrace life.

Yes, summer has most definitely been about embracing my bliss.

But I'm super excited to share that I have a new bliss/passion in my life and that new bliss comes from volunteer interning at a Physical Therapy clinic a few minutes from home.
On my first day, I just stood and observed while the PTA's, PT's and OT's did their thing.  Then, I got more comfortable with the staff and patients and then I was everywhere, learning and watching and LOVING every moment of it.  It was just such a positive environment to be a part of - to be intimately linked to someone's healing.  I mean, how much more Christ-like is that?
One of my favorite memories of this PT clinic has got to be when an elderly lady tells me about her passions in life like her family and their dreams, then looks me in the eyes and tells me that she knows I'll do great things.  How awesome would it be to interact with patients like that everyday?
The reason why I fell in love with PT is that it incorporates everything I am.  Seriously though - it has the emotional and social connection that I need.  It gives me the intellectual challenges and fine tunes problem solving skills.  Physical therapy is both psychological and spiritual in that you are treating a patient whose body might be injured, but you are also dealing with the patient's suffering.  But it also incorporates my athleticism with hands on activities, stretches, understanding and working with the body.   Its in touch with my feminine roles of nurturing and taking care of others.  It works with my personality in that I love to take charge, direct, and teach others.  And I also value positive energy.
All I know is that God has clearly led me into this direction for a reason, even if I don't know His plans this moment.  I have no idea what the finished product will look like.  All I know is that this new passion happened for a reason and I am just going to embrace it and grow with it.

The Cycle

It starts with a foreign, untraceable emotion: discomfort, displeasure, unfulfillment.
Next come the subconscious questions: Change? Who am I? What should I do?

The cycle consisting of discomfort, distraction, and confusion.

It's that ambiguous it.  That shifting in your seat to an uncomfortable situation, except it's bigger; it's life. It is annoying not being able to grasp and define where these emotions are coming from.  I thought I had it all and I do have so many blessings, but perhaps I was not being fulfilled.  I was missing my direction.  Hanging in the oblivion, knowing that I was uncomfortable with facing the reality of where my life was leading.

I didn't pray as much as I should have.  I tried to reason through it. Then, when my mind started getting closer to the source I pulled back, afraid of what I might find.  This summer I've tried to keep myself as distracted and busy as possible before I realized what I was doing.  I can't keep running away from this hidden feeling laced with so much meaning.

That's when I started researching and discovering some possibilities.  I didn't even realize what I was doing when I looked up other majors or career possibilities, but I was pretty desperate to find IT. To search for my truth.

Being open to truth and love means never stopping to learn about yourself and the world; putting pride aside and not ignoring hidden dreams.  I also can't regret any time that I consider lost.  That time was never lost.  Every choice was made as a stepping stone for the person I am now and that time was never a mistake.  Life hasn't gone the way I expected, but the challenge is beautiful.  The unknowable is where, perhaps, we lean the closest to God and grasp for the knowledge and understanding that comes from Him.  If we're lucky, that understanding comes as a burst of light, blinding all else.  But more often than not, it's a slow shift leading you away from yourself until you can no longer hide from the huge mountain of mystery.  It's not always the most comfortable feeling to be pushed out of your comfort zone, the box that you spent your whole life building.  But the walls are coming down and that's how we grow.

God's so good like that, you know? He doesn't baby you through the hard times and tell you every step in advance to warn you of upcoming trials.  But He does let you figure out more and more of how powerful and mysterious and beautiful and well-planned out He is and why He brought you into this world.  His love never fails, even when mine does.  

Philosophy is everywhere I look!

OK I just have to share my nerd moment for the day!

I'm currently reading "Fatherless" by Brian Gail that was loaned to me by the lovely Allison.  Around page three hundred, the author starts referencing philosophers, particularly modern philosopher's role on shaping thoughts (a process of hundreds of years) and how their thoughts influence scientists and scientific findings.  One character (it goes through the journey of 4 main characters so it's a big book) was researching the linkage between breast cancer and the Pill, exploring how science might cover up some facts.   SO FREAKIN COOL because philosophy is basically what I spent my freshman year learning about.

I always have high expectations for summer reading, but I'm really trying to read some deeper books than I normally would.  We'll see how it goes! I just got a library book with a variety of European philosopher's writings/thoughts.

And that is how I'm spending my summer days!  Trying to read/learn, stay spiritually active, be there for my family and friends, make some money and work out (ugh).  Running has not been fun recently and I sometimes (ok all the time) make excuses for myself by saying that over working myself is how I broke my foot last year, but I also just need to rediscover my passion for soccer.  It shouldn't be this hard, but I'm having a dry spell.  I can't force it, but I also can't make up excuses forever.  I feel like learning how to take care of my body is connected to taking care of my soul and if my soul is going through a dry spell with one of my absolute favorite passions, then I need to listen to my soul and nurture it.  Hmm going back to the basics of the game and reconnecting with coaches and teammates is a good way to start.

Random Thoughts

Recently, I've been reflecting on changes going on within.  Sometimes I feel like my life is a mess and I look at people who have it all together, wanting to be like them.  But then I notice people who have lives just as messy and complicated as mine and it seems like they don't notice that their lives could be better.   Then I wonder if I actually notice the little details in life that lead to a chaotic and scatterbrained existence. I mean do any of us actually change our ways when someone points out that we need to change? Even just a little? Maybe we'll listen one or two times but in the end our choices come from what we understand within us. And if our reasoning doesn't comply with another person's truth are we willing to understand where that person is coming from? To actually change our nature for the better? Basically, what I'm trying to say is in the normal hum drum of our lives are we really going to make life changing decisions that affect who we are and who we become.

How does God get through to stubborn willed people like myself? All I can think of is the more stubborn we are the more drastic action God has to take for us to notice Him.

And that's where suffering comes into the picture because the more joys God gives us, it seems as if we forget all the more to be grateful.  Suffering forces us to take a good hard look at our choices/life/beliefs.  We would be boring without suffering since suffering forces us to rely on something or someone outside of ourselves.  We have to face that we cannot handle this life alone - physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually.

How does suffering change our nature? Form our souls? And not always for the better..... Even if we do not drastically turn away from God, sometimes we just trust His plan a little less. Or maybe we realize that we don't understand His plan or feel His presence, but in those times when evil seems to reign and He seems to be absent we really are vulnerable.  We have to put our hearts on the line and they either become refreshed or dry/bitter.

Suffering is God's way of forming our character.  He teaches that vulnerability means being open to pain, but He also shows that getting hurt is how one grows in true life-giving love.

Can we really give ourselves to God or one another if we haven't experienced love?

What is love then? More than just a fleeting feeling but an actual openness to being. To being eternally connected with the beloved; spiritually bound to the Savior. That seems to me why  God uses suffering on people who don't deserve it - to help them grow in love.

This summer I'm going to be on a quest of figuring out not only what true love means but also how it should look in everyday life. The family is a great place to start because family shows how no matter the choice or consequence they will forever be tied to you - whether by choice or genes.

And if your family is not an example of life-giving and sacrificial love then where else do you look?  The media and society are not good examples of true, faithful love. I feel like true love is one of those things we experience and live through but don't really notice. It's under played but vitally important. True love is about giving rather than receiving.  And I am blessed to have friendships and relationships that give instead of take for their own use. It just makes me wonder if I give all that I can to my family and friends....but do any of us?

End of first year reflections

The air is damp/humid with a touch of chill. Clouds cover the sky and the lush greens are a reminder of the rain from yesterday. But this dreary weather cannot dampen my mood.  My Grandpa's watching hockey while my dad checks his baseball app. I feel so at home.  Emotions running through me are peace, acceptance, relief, joy and appreciation.

WHAT an insane first year of college.

On July 23rd, I got my firsts wake up call of just how life changing this year would be when I broke my metatarsal. Not playing soccer for 3 months and the social challenges of being disunited with a team since I wasn't bleeding on the field with them was such a learning process. I learned that some girls I thought I was friends with weren't very excited for me when I recovered and started to show them that I can play soccer. I learned that I'm not as good as I thought that I was in high school. And I learned how to adapt to coaches who do things very differently than high school. Sometimes I felt like I was on an island by myself on the team (ugh that girl with the boot). But I also discovered how beautiful some girls are who genuinely care for me as a person and not just what I do on the field.  Making genuine connections with these soccer girls who I thought that I didn't have anything in common with has been so good for me.  They've taught me to enjoy the community of the team, including bible studies, Zumba classes, and late night study parties.  I fell, but I came back. I struggled, but I'm resiliently working towards my goal of playing on the first team. And I will, one day. Hopefully in the fall! My coaches have indicated to me that I should get playing time on the first team so now I just have to take care of myself this summer.  All the pieces are falling into place.

I'll talk about all my other growing areas another time....

Embarrassing

It's embarrassing that I had to autocorrect the word embarrassing....three times

Oh man,

Life is interesting,

Have you ever written something, put it aside, and then returned to it a year later?
That, my friends, is what I just did.

I want to curl up in a ball and pretend like nobody else read this piece of writing.
But no, not only did people read it, but an important person who I quite frankly love and admire read it.
What was I thinking? It sounds so self-concieted...who is that girl? And to think that I'm way more self-centered now than I was a year ago....

Oh boy,

It's time for a little reflecting on one's ego (if you know what I mean)...

And maybe, just perhaps, a little time in front of the blessed Sacrament to tell Jesus that I'm dumping all the stress of this week onto Him.  Because the week before finals is worse than finals itself... and I'm kinda done with handling situations by myself...

But just have to get through the next week and a half and I'll be a sophomore! THAT'S SO CRAY!

Rant

What do you do when you have a psych project due in two days?
A theology paper due in three?
And a Rhetoric thesis that you need to come up with?
Plus reading for two other classes and an Education test?

PROCRASTINATE! And write about how much work I have to do......

In other news, I played in my first ever soccer scrimmage with BAC since being injured!  It was pretty good and I played 40 mins.
But what's really exciting is that I don't have to get up at 7 tomorrow because morning workouts were cancelled.

Guys, life is good - in three days I will be with the fam.

Let Holy Week begin!

Idealism, Romanticism, Optimism

What do idealism, romanticism and optimism all have in common?

Well, strangely enough, (ha) I consider myself all three of the above, which is not as good of a thing as I used to think.  But, I'm learning that there are pros and cons to my philosophy.  Basically, when I think of a situation, I picture an ideal, a perfect outcome.  Then I romanticize this ideal with flowery language, high emotions, and easy steps that lead to my perfect conclusion.

While it may be alright to dream, sometimes my futuristic mindset disables me from experiencing the present in full.  Isn't this sense of fulfilling pre-operated notions why we stress? Where does my attitude of having to please myself and God come from? Where does this pressure to perform well come from?

I want to understand why I act the way I act, then make sure that I handle myself well in certain situations.  Maybe I want an ideal where I don't get anxious over trying times, and where I have the perfect answer for every question life throws at me in my spiritual, psychological, social, and emotional crises.  This is where my optimistic philosophy factors in - I value looking for the good in the ugly.  But optimism can make me blind to realities, simply because I want to refuse to face the music, even though I can't.

Sometimes I get lost when thinking how righteous I am.  I don't party, do drugs, drink, have sex outside of marriage, how bad can I possibly be doing?  But then I think of all the people I could be touching, all the hearts that I haven't been brave enough to entrust myself to.  Or being blind to the needs of others around me.  What fickle, distorted, silly, interesting, wonderful human beings we are.

Love,
A college girl who is learning, growing, and discovering myself.